i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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