why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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