My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
As shirtless as possible
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
