The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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