I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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