well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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