so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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