Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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