Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
