i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
