I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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