one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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