her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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