So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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