saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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