and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
