Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
