i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
