I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
