PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
