literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
