If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
