I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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