How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!