the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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