Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there's paper in my vomit.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
