She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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