I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
