I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
