Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
