Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
