grandma shit on top of the toilet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
