you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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