I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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