Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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