my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
