On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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