hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
