I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
