I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
