its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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