I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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