They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
