Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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