I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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