So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
