a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
