I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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