o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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