When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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