I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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