if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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