I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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