My underwear smells like fireworks.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
