12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
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I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
